cafeGAINZ: Let the GAINZ Begin!

Tip Suggestion and Bench Monkey Submission Box

1. Every week we will feature one reader-suggested fitness tip. We will either display the tip as suggested, display it with a thoughtful critique, or supplement the tip with more GAINZ depending on our analysis of the tip's GAINZ. Don't be afraid to enter a tip suggestion; it will only add to everybody's enlightenment to the way of the GAINZ and you will remain anonymous. The deadline to submit a tip for the week is Sunday at midnight. Please submit tips to cafegainz@gmail.com.

2. We will also feature one story per week from a reader describing a bench monkey encounter. Blurry, paparazzi-style photos are encouraged with submission, but don't get caught...he may be in the middle of a 'roid cycle. Deadline to submit bench monkey stories to cafegainz@gmail.com is also Sunday at midnight. Thanks!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Let the GAINZ Begin!

Hello Everybody!

Welcome back to cafeGAINZ at cafegainz.com! We're excited to resume our duties as proponents of the way of the GAINZ and scriveners of the scripture. If you're new to this site, be prepared to have your mind blown. We're going to delve deep into the realm of GAINZ to discover its secrets and to hopefully be able to pass some of that knowledge on to you. We will provide our perspective on fitness training techniques, nutrition, and gym etiquette. And of course, we will continue to render astute analysis on the weightroom dynamic.

Now, our longtime readers are probably asking themselves, "Where the heck did these guys go?" Fair question. Unfortunately, there is no one simple answer. Many factors led to the hiatus. Perhaps part of the answer lies in a post that I was forced to take down a while ago (but have re-posted here)...such a stark contrast from this masterpiece.

In any event, we're focused on the here and now (although I must say its ironic that we are back exactly one year from our last real post on November 3, 2008). As always, your noble professors include Johnny GAINZ and myself, Mr. Wesay GAINZ. We've also been joined by Ian GAINZ and Nellie GAINZ. Ian is an expert at healthy, GAINZful recipes and Nellie will offer a female's viewpoint on GAINZ.

The current plan is to post a couple times per week to start off, and then to increase the posting frequency after a month or two. Please feel free to create a Google or Blogger profile and leave comments on the posts. (Commenting anonymously is less GAINZ.) We love comments and your feedback will contribute to everybody's GAINZ! One request though: please keep the comments on the topic of the post, or at least within the broad scope of cafeGAINZ. This is an example of a great comment. This is an example of a terrible comment that we will have to expunge. As part of our desire to make this cafe more interactive, we've added two new reader-friendly components:

1. Every week we will feature one reader-suggested fitness tip. We will either display the tip as suggested to us, display it with a thoughtful critique, or supplement the tip with more GAINZ depending on our analysis of the tip's GAINZ. Don't be afraid to enter a tip suggestion; it will only add to everybody's enlightenment to the way of the GAINZ and you will remain anonymous. The deadline to submit a tip for the week is Sunday at midnight. Please submit tips to cafegainz@gmail.com.

2. We will also feature one story per week from a reader describing a bench monkey encounter. Blurry, paparazzi-style photos are encouraged with your submission, but don't get caught...the bench monkey may be in the middle of a 'roid cycle (or your gym management may scold you). Deadline to submit bench monkey stories to cafegainz@gmail.com is also Sunday at midnight.

We look forward to receiving your input. On that note, TRAIN HARD and Let the GAINZ Begin!

Your brother in GAINZ,

-Wesay GAINZ

p.s. It is quite possible (and probable) that the re-launch of this site will come with its share of bugs. Please be patient as we work through them as fast as possible.

2 comments:

adamNovember 3, 2009 at 10:18 AM
welcome back!

i was under the impression that the apex of gainz had been reached in 2008 and that gainz had met a level of saturation whereby incremental gainz were not possible. but now i understand that the tentacles of the great recession touched even the fitness/lifestyle blogging industry and that there were simply not enough funds to keep wesay and j gainz 'gainzfully employed' or down with the cause, as it were.

either way i am excited to have the daily scripture back in my life, as my body has slipped into a state of atrophy since the discontinuation of helpful and gainzful posts. i look forward to getting back to a level of sustained gainz that will make even jay cutler proud
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Wesay GAINZNovember 3, 2009 at 11:29 PM
Glad your excited, Adam. I don't want to damper your spirits but scripture will not be daily to start off, as indicated in the post. We will try to post as often as we can though. Hopefully in the future we'll be able to make this a daily affair. We're even prouder that you're ready to make Jay Cutler, the 3-time Mr. Olympia, proud! Train Hard.
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GAINZ Lexicon

ANTI-GAINZ [an-tahy gaines] - noun - antonym of GAINZ (see below); negativity: Eating all those twinkies was some serious Anti-GAINZ. (Note: Anti-GAINZ is often abbreviated to 'A-Gz').
Armageddon [ahr-muh-ged-n] - noun - an intense arm workout that requires both biceps and triceps activation: Today's the end of the world, I'm on armageddon.....PSYCHE!!!
Back to Basics [bak tu bey-siks] - noun, phrase - a workout targeting a specific muscle group or groups, consisting of basic muscle-building movements: My "back to basics" leg workout consisted of squats, deadlifts, leg-press, lunges, and hack-squat.
Back to the Future [bak tu thuh fyoo-cher] - noun - a workout targeting the latisimus dorsi (i.e. back, lats) and peripherial muscle tissue: Your back is looking a little feeble, you should make some "back to the future" GAINZ.
Barbell [bahr-bel] - noun - a fourty-five lb. bar used for making GAINZ: Using only the barbell can limit your GAINZ. (Note: Barbell is often abbreviated to 'BB').
Bench Monkey [bench muhng-kee] - noun - a person that pretty much sticks to BB bench press.....and thats about it; the most common species of bench monkey are monday bench monkeys as they tend to congregate around all the bench presses in the gym on Monday, typically right after work; they work at a snail's pace and often start a convo by asking '...yeah...uh what is your max...you know, for bench?': Bench monkeys are annoying. Don't be a bench monkey.
Brother-in-Arms [bruth-er in ahrms] - noun - a male training partner: Jack went to the gym today with Terry, his brother-in-arms.
Delta Force [del-tuh fawrs] - noun - a workout targeting the deltoids (i.e. shoulders) and peripherial muscle tissue: I put in a sick delta force session earlier.
Dumbbell [duhm-bel] - noun - an apparatus comprising a short handle with a weight at each end used for making GAINZ: You just gotta love dumbbell alternating chest press! (Note: Dumbbell is often abbreviated to 'DB').
Fugazi [foo-ga-zee] - a mark - a guy that tries to make GAINZ strictly for the opposite sex: We saw this fugazi at the gym today doing biceps.....AGAIN....that's 5 times in the last week! (note: fugazi is also known as a poser or a fake).
GAINZ [gaines] - noun - a way of life; muscle mass; production; anything positive, really: I made GAINZ today.
Hate [heyt] - noun, verb - any ill will, however slight: Joey hated on my GAINZ by cooking white rice for dinner when he knew I worked out at 8:00 am. Stop the Hate!
Jay Cutler - [jey kuht-ler] - proper noun - the three (3) time Mr. Olympia (2006, 2007, and 2009); Wesay and Johnny GAINZ's idol; a man of pure GAINZ: Jay Cutler is simply The Man.
Juice [joos] - noun, verb - steroids or any other testosterone enhacing chemical (derogatory); can refer to supplements in general (non-derogatory): I saw this bench monkey juicing in the locker room....what a puke! I juiced [protein shake] after squats.
Keep the Pump - [keep thuh puhmp] - noun, verb, phrase - a workout, or portion of a workout, designed to either 1) supply blood into previously fatigued muscles or 2) a light workout for muscle maintenance: I'm on pecs today, but I'm gonna "keep the pump" triceps.
Legageddon [leg-uh-ged-n] - noun - a great and crucial conflict; the final battle between good (GAINZ) and evil (ANTI-GAINZ); basically the hardest, most excruciating, nauseating leg workout one can do: I ate 3 breakfasts, stretched for 30 mins, warmed up for 30 mins, and prayed all in anticipation for today's legageddon.
LMM [el em em] - noun - acronym for lean muscle mass; nice GAINZ: I wanted to make more GAINZ so I went back to school to get my LMM degree.
Melt [melt] - noun, verb, adjective - to become liquefied by heat or pressure; a trainwreck of the utmost degree; cracking under pressure: Today has been a total meltdown. John didn't give his all in the gym today...he friggin melted. My favourite sandwich is a [insert name]melt.
Perry'lyze [per-ee-lize] - verb - greatness; awesomess; straight up the best: After hearing Steve Perry's "Oh Sherrie," an energized Johnny decided to run down to the gym and perry'lyze his quads.
Put in Work [poot in wurk] - phrase - basically going to the gym, running track, etc. on a mission to make GAINZ: I'm about to "put in sick work" today. (notice the use of the modifier "sick" in the example sentence)
Scripture [skrip-cher] - noun - any written workout plan, usually jotted down on a piece of scratch paper; considered sacred in the world of GAINZ: Johnny transcribed a total body scripture for his friend's next workout.
Sister-in-Arms [sis-ter in ahrms] - noun - a female training partner: Nellie GAINZ is my sister-in-arms.
STACKZ [staks] - noun - a combination of dietary and/or herbal supplements, the combination of which is designed for some type of GAINZ-making (i.e. fat loss, muscle GAINZ, muscle recovery): Peggy uses a green tee extract/carnitine STACKZ to supplement her workout to stay lean.
Swiss Ball [swis bawl] - noun - an elastic ball used to provide an unstable lifting surface while making GAINZ; great for balance and stabilizer training: Abs are shredded on the swiss ball. (note: swiss ball is also known as balance ball, birth ball, body ball, exercise ball, fit ball, fitness ball, gym ball, physioball, pilates ball, sports ball, stability ball, swedish ball, therapy ball, and yoga ball, among others).
Tri-Force [try fawrs] - noun - a workout targeting the three triceps heads and peripherial muscle tissue: Let's make some tri-force GAINZ in about an hour!
Work Boots [wurk boots] - noun - athletic shoes purchased specifically for the purpose of being the primary shoe to work out in, but can also refer casually to any shoes that GAINZ are currently made in: Footlocker was having a sale so me and some friends got some new work boots.

Train with cafeGAINZ on:

Welcome to cafeGAINZ!

The OFFICIAL cafeGAINZ - "I'm Perry'lyzed" Playlist!!!

Tip Suggestion and Bench Monkey Submission Box

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Let the GAINZ Begin!

2 comments:

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