cafeGAINZ: I'm Perry'lyzed: Part III

Tip Suggestion and Bench Monkey Submission Box

1. Every week we will feature one reader-suggested fitness tip. We will either display the tip as suggested, display it with a thoughtful critique, or supplement the tip with more GAINZ depending on our analysis of the tip's GAINZ. Don't be afraid to enter a tip suggestion; it will only add to everybody's enlightenment to the way of the GAINZ and you will remain anonymous. The deadline to submit a tip for the week is Sunday at midnight. Please submit tips to cafegainz@gmail.com.

2. We will also feature one story per week from a reader describing a bench monkey encounter. Blurry, paparazzi-style photos are encouraged with submission, but don't get caught...he may be in the middle of a 'roid cycle. Deadline to submit bench monkey stories to cafegainz@gmail.com is also Sunday at midnight. Thanks!

Friday, December 4, 2009

I'm Perry'lyzed: Part III

This is the third and final part of a three-part series entitled “I’m Perry’lyzed”. Check out Parts I and II here. Enjoy! (You can get the entire Greatest Hits album at )

OK my fellow GAINZ-makers, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for all week: The thrilling conclusion of I’m Perry’lyzed. I hope you’re as excited as I am. I know Perry is. Here we go!

12. “We sailed on together, We drifted apart, And here you are by my side” – Open Arms.

Remember at the end of Part II, when I talked about how one feels if their spotter, workout partner, or brother-in-arms is supposed to meet at the gym, but then bails? Well, this is what happens when he shows up after bailing! Now everything’s gonna be alright and you’ll be able to set a new max reps military press feeling confident that your partner will be there to make sure the weights don’t come crashing down on your head upon delt failure. See, I told you things wouldn’t stay sad for long!

13. “The girl can't help it, she needs more, He hasn't found what he's lookin' for, They're still standing in the rain, He can't help it, and she's just that way” – Girl Can’t Help It.

Time to get serious for a second. DON’T DO STEROIDS. DO NOT JUICE (derogatory version).

If you do, you will end up like the poor fugazi in this song. See, he did steroids and his manhood shrunk. It was so bad that even Extenze couldn’t help. Hence, “she needs more.” He always thought that having a ‘roided out body was the key to success in life. Well, he learned the hard way when his (ex-)girlfriend dumped him for his excessive roid-raging and for losing his manhood. Heed this warning, friends.

14. “Send her my love, Memories remain, Send her my love, Roses never fade, Send her my love” – Send Her My Love.

Before I moved to my current location, there was a certain gym I frequented most every day. Johnny used to go there too. Paisley still hits it up. Unfortunately, a lot of freaks and wack-jobs pretended to work out there (they were really just juicing). Notwithstanding those clowns, I have TONS of great memories of the place. It’s where I set personal records for bench max, squat max, weighted pull up reps, weighted dip reps, and tears shed. As far as pure strength, I was never stronger than when I went to that gym. (In retrospect, maybe I was juicing by osmosis…..seriously, there were that many juicers there.) I’ve been fortunate to be in that gym’s good graces a few times since the move, and every workout I do there is top-notch. Every time I go back I see a friendly face I haven’t seen in a while. I love that place! While I’m away, I send her (the gym) my love, memories remain…

15. “Be good to yourself when nobody else will, Oh be good to yourself, You're walkin' a highwire, caught in a crossfire, Oh be good to yourself” – Be Good To Yourself.

We’ve made it to the last song on the Greatest Hits album! High-energy, inspiring keyboard riff, Perry raising his game…check. What a way to end things! And the message is clear and concise: be good to yourself no matter the circumstances! Treat your body right by eating healthy, exercising, and making overall life GAINZ (hey, that’s what this site is all about!). Look, we all are busy with jobs, relationships, and other responsibilities, but nobody is going to put in the work for you (nor can they). While the GAINZ lifestyle can be taught, it means nothing without your performance and execution. So, as always, train hard, eat right, and make GAINZ!

BONUS SONG

“You should've been gone, Knowing how I made you feel, And I should've been gone, [deep breath for dramatic effect] After all your words of steel” – Oh Sherrie, off Perry’s solo album, “Street Talk.”

I’m sure there is a message or two here, but screw it…all you need to do is enjoy the music video. Have a great weekend!

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GAINZ Lexicon

ANTI-GAINZ [an-tahy gaines] - noun - antonym of GAINZ (see below); negativity: Eating all those twinkies was some serious Anti-GAINZ. (Note: Anti-GAINZ is often abbreviated to 'A-Gz').
Armageddon [ahr-muh-ged-n] - noun - an intense arm workout that requires both biceps and triceps activation: Today's the end of the world, I'm on armageddon.....PSYCHE!!!
Back to Basics [bak tu bey-siks] - noun, phrase - a workout targeting a specific muscle group or groups, consisting of basic muscle-building movements: My "back to basics" leg workout consisted of squats, deadlifts, leg-press, lunges, and hack-squat.
Back to the Future [bak tu thuh fyoo-cher] - noun - a workout targeting the latisimus dorsi (i.e. back, lats) and peripherial muscle tissue: Your back is looking a little feeble, you should make some "back to the future" GAINZ.
Barbell [bahr-bel] - noun - a fourty-five lb. bar used for making GAINZ: Using only the barbell can limit your GAINZ. (Note: Barbell is often abbreviated to 'BB').
Bench Monkey [bench muhng-kee] - noun - a person that pretty much sticks to BB bench press.....and thats about it; the most common species of bench monkey are monday bench monkeys as they tend to congregate around all the bench presses in the gym on Monday, typically right after work; they work at a snail's pace and often start a convo by asking '...yeah...uh what is your max...you know, for bench?': Bench monkeys are annoying. Don't be a bench monkey.
Brother-in-Arms [bruth-er in ahrms] - noun - a male training partner: Jack went to the gym today with Terry, his brother-in-arms.
Delta Force [del-tuh fawrs] - noun - a workout targeting the deltoids (i.e. shoulders) and peripherial muscle tissue: I put in a sick delta force session earlier.
Dumbbell [duhm-bel] - noun - an apparatus comprising a short handle with a weight at each end used for making GAINZ: You just gotta love dumbbell alternating chest press! (Note: Dumbbell is often abbreviated to 'DB').
Fugazi [foo-ga-zee] - a mark - a guy that tries to make GAINZ strictly for the opposite sex: We saw this fugazi at the gym today doing biceps.....AGAIN....that's 5 times in the last week! (note: fugazi is also known as a poser or a fake).
GAINZ [gaines] - noun - a way of life; muscle mass; production; anything positive, really: I made GAINZ today.
Hate [heyt] - noun, verb - any ill will, however slight: Joey hated on my GAINZ by cooking white rice for dinner when he knew I worked out at 8:00 am. Stop the Hate!
Jay Cutler - [jey kuht-ler] - proper noun - the three (3) time Mr. Olympia (2006, 2007, and 2009); Wesay and Johnny GAINZ's idol; a man of pure GAINZ: Jay Cutler is simply The Man.
Juice [joos] - noun, verb - steroids or any other testosterone enhacing chemical (derogatory); can refer to supplements in general (non-derogatory): I saw this bench monkey juicing in the locker room....what a puke! I juiced [protein shake] after squats.
Keep the Pump - [keep thuh puhmp] - noun, verb, phrase - a workout, or portion of a workout, designed to either 1) supply blood into previously fatigued muscles or 2) a light workout for muscle maintenance: I'm on pecs today, but I'm gonna "keep the pump" triceps.
Legageddon [leg-uh-ged-n] - noun - a great and crucial conflict; the final battle between good (GAINZ) and evil (ANTI-GAINZ); basically the hardest, most excruciating, nauseating leg workout one can do: I ate 3 breakfasts, stretched for 30 mins, warmed up for 30 mins, and prayed all in anticipation for today's legageddon.
LMM [el em em] - noun - acronym for lean muscle mass; nice GAINZ: I wanted to make more GAINZ so I went back to school to get my LMM degree.
Melt [melt] - noun, verb, adjective - to become liquefied by heat or pressure; a trainwreck of the utmost degree; cracking under pressure: Today has been a total meltdown. John didn't give his all in the gym today...he friggin melted. My favourite sandwich is a [insert name]melt.
Perry'lyze [per-ee-lize] - verb - greatness; awesomess; straight up the best: After hearing Steve Perry's "Oh Sherrie," an energized Johnny decided to run down to the gym and perry'lyze his quads.
Put in Work [poot in wurk] - phrase - basically going to the gym, running track, etc. on a mission to make GAINZ: I'm about to "put in sick work" today. (notice the use of the modifier "sick" in the example sentence)
Scripture [skrip-cher] - noun - any written workout plan, usually jotted down on a piece of scratch paper; considered sacred in the world of GAINZ: Johnny transcribed a total body scripture for his friend's next workout.
Sister-in-Arms [sis-ter in ahrms] - noun - a female training partner: Nellie GAINZ is my sister-in-arms.
STACKZ [staks] - noun - a combination of dietary and/or herbal supplements, the combination of which is designed for some type of GAINZ-making (i.e. fat loss, muscle GAINZ, muscle recovery): Peggy uses a green tee extract/carnitine STACKZ to supplement her workout to stay lean.
Swiss Ball [swis bawl] - noun - an elastic ball used to provide an unstable lifting surface while making GAINZ; great for balance and stabilizer training: Abs are shredded on the swiss ball. (note: swiss ball is also known as balance ball, birth ball, body ball, exercise ball, fit ball, fitness ball, gym ball, physioball, pilates ball, sports ball, stability ball, swedish ball, therapy ball, and yoga ball, among others).
Tri-Force [try fawrs] - noun - a workout targeting the three triceps heads and peripherial muscle tissue: Let's make some tri-force GAINZ in about an hour!
Work Boots [wurk boots] - noun - athletic shoes purchased specifically for the purpose of being the primary shoe to work out in, but can also refer casually to any shoes that GAINZ are currently made in: Footlocker was having a sale so me and some friends got some new work boots.

Train with cafeGAINZ on:

Welcome to cafeGAINZ!

The OFFICIAL cafeGAINZ - "I'm Perry'lyzed" Playlist!!!

Tip Suggestion and Bench Monkey Submission Box

Friday, December 4, 2009

I'm Perry'lyzed: Part III

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