cafeGAINZ: Johnny on the Spot: Vol III

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1. Every week we will feature one reader-suggested fitness tip. We will either display the tip as suggested, display it with a thoughtful critique, or supplement the tip with more GAINZ depending on our analysis of the tip's GAINZ. Don't be afraid to enter a tip suggestion; it will only add to everybody's enlightenment to the way of the GAINZ and you will remain anonymous. The deadline to submit a tip for the week is Sunday at midnight. Please submit tips to cafegainz@gmail.com.

2. We will also feature one story per week from a reader describing a bench monkey encounter. Blurry, paparazzi-style photos are encouraged with submission, but don't get caught...he may be in the middle of a 'roid cycle. Deadline to submit bench monkey stories to cafegainz@gmail.com is also Sunday at midnight. Thanks!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Johnny on the Spot: Vol III

The world's still abuzz over the news dropped here last Tuesday that our own Johnny GAINZ is training for an MMA fight. Johnny's going to destroy! He stops by with another "Johnny on the Spot" to show us how he's started his 'pre-training' for the showdown.

1:28 PM Johnny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUiCbjDi45U

1:29 PM those are the burpees i did today, then shadow boxed for 45 seconds, then rest for a min...did that only 3 times and i wanted to puke

10 of those burpees

1:30 PM me: hahaha nice

1:31 PM Johnny: i got the shadow boxing part off of bodybuilding.com

me: did you use dumbbells?

Johnny: yeah...10 pounders my mom has here

me: send me the shadow boxing link

1:32 PM Johnny: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/rossboxing2.htm

1:33 PM that workout was based on a standard burpee

but i felt like i wanted to incorporate a few more muscle groups

me: so you did that by shadow boxing?

1:34 PM Johnny: no, i used the enhanced burpee

with weights

me: oh ok

1:35 PM Johnny: the enhanced burpee does not involve jumping, it is squat down, kick legs out, push up, row, row, jump up, clean squat shoulder press

me: so after 3 supersets you were dead?

1:36 PM Johnny: yes, extremely

me: wow, that sounds pretty intense actually

Johnny: by the time i got to the shadow boxing after the second and third set, i was basically only throwing jabs and ocassional straight rights

1:37 PM i could barely keep my hands up

me: 10 of the burpees would kill me

...if i was doing them at a good pace

Johnny: yeah

and they got slower and slower

me: hahah ok

1:38 PM

me: yeah i would imagine....its hard to keep up the quickness towards the end of explosive workouts

Johnny: yes, it was my first time doing them so my last two sets i wanted to make sure i gathered myself after every burpee

me: thats why most trainers recommend smaller sets when training explosively

1:39 PM is this part of your MMA training?

Johnny: partially

i have not officially started training exclusively for mma yet but this is great workout to get into shape

1:41 PM and it does work many of the muscles i will be using

i want to get into shape cardiovascularly before i jump with both feet into my mma training

me: cool. when does your exclusive MMA training start?

1:42 PM Johnny: well, i am not sure on the official date of my fight yet

tenatively end of may beginning of june is when the fight will be held

1:43 PM me: i see. well, best of luck Johnny. GET AFTER IT!

1:44 PM Johnny: so i am just trying to get into shape and start training some of the muscles i will need to use so when i do start, i wont have to go through the first few weeks of soreness due to having not used those muscles before

thank you Wesay

me: its like optional workouts before training camp

i like the dedication

thanks, Johnny

1:45 PM Johnny: the pleasure is mine

Now don't let Johnny down! Go out there and try this workout for yourself. And as always, let us know how you liked it.

Yours in GAINZ,

-Wesay GAINZ

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GAINZ Lexicon

ANTI-GAINZ [an-tahy gaines] - noun - antonym of GAINZ (see below); negativity: Eating all those twinkies was some serious Anti-GAINZ. (Note: Anti-GAINZ is often abbreviated to 'A-Gz').
Armageddon [ahr-muh-ged-n] - noun - an intense arm workout that requires both biceps and triceps activation: Today's the end of the world, I'm on armageddon.....PSYCHE!!!
Back to Basics [bak tu bey-siks] - noun, phrase - a workout targeting a specific muscle group or groups, consisting of basic muscle-building movements: My "back to basics" leg workout consisted of squats, deadlifts, leg-press, lunges, and hack-squat.
Back to the Future [bak tu thuh fyoo-cher] - noun - a workout targeting the latisimus dorsi (i.e. back, lats) and peripherial muscle tissue: Your back is looking a little feeble, you should make some "back to the future" GAINZ.
Barbell [bahr-bel] - noun - a fourty-five lb. bar used for making GAINZ: Using only the barbell can limit your GAINZ. (Note: Barbell is often abbreviated to 'BB').
Bench Monkey [bench muhng-kee] - noun - a person that pretty much sticks to BB bench press.....and thats about it; the most common species of bench monkey are monday bench monkeys as they tend to congregate around all the bench presses in the gym on Monday, typically right after work; they work at a snail's pace and often start a convo by asking '...yeah...uh what is your max...you know, for bench?': Bench monkeys are annoying. Don't be a bench monkey.
Brother-in-Arms [bruth-er in ahrms] - noun - a male training partner: Jack went to the gym today with Terry, his brother-in-arms.
Delta Force [del-tuh fawrs] - noun - a workout targeting the deltoids (i.e. shoulders) and peripherial muscle tissue: I put in a sick delta force session earlier.
Dumbbell [duhm-bel] - noun - an apparatus comprising a short handle with a weight at each end used for making GAINZ: You just gotta love dumbbell alternating chest press! (Note: Dumbbell is often abbreviated to 'DB').
Fugazi [foo-ga-zee] - a mark - a guy that tries to make GAINZ strictly for the opposite sex: We saw this fugazi at the gym today doing biceps.....AGAIN....that's 5 times in the last week! (note: fugazi is also known as a poser or a fake).
GAINZ [gaines] - noun - a way of life; muscle mass; production; anything positive, really: I made GAINZ today.
Hate [heyt] - noun, verb - any ill will, however slight: Joey hated on my GAINZ by cooking white rice for dinner when he knew I worked out at 8:00 am. Stop the Hate!
Jay Cutler - [jey kuht-ler] - proper noun - the three (3) time Mr. Olympia (2006, 2007, and 2009); Wesay and Johnny GAINZ's idol; a man of pure GAINZ: Jay Cutler is simply The Man.
Juice [joos] - noun, verb - steroids or any other testosterone enhacing chemical (derogatory); can refer to supplements in general (non-derogatory): I saw this bench monkey juicing in the locker room....what a puke! I juiced [protein shake] after squats.
Keep the Pump - [keep thuh puhmp] - noun, verb, phrase - a workout, or portion of a workout, designed to either 1) supply blood into previously fatigued muscles or 2) a light workout for muscle maintenance: I'm on pecs today, but I'm gonna "keep the pump" triceps.
Legageddon [leg-uh-ged-n] - noun - a great and crucial conflict; the final battle between good (GAINZ) and evil (ANTI-GAINZ); basically the hardest, most excruciating, nauseating leg workout one can do: I ate 3 breakfasts, stretched for 30 mins, warmed up for 30 mins, and prayed all in anticipation for today's legageddon.
LMM [el em em] - noun - acronym for lean muscle mass; nice GAINZ: I wanted to make more GAINZ so I went back to school to get my LMM degree.
Melt [melt] - noun, verb, adjective - to become liquefied by heat or pressure; a trainwreck of the utmost degree; cracking under pressure: Today has been a total meltdown. John didn't give his all in the gym today...he friggin melted. My favourite sandwich is a [insert name]melt.
Perry'lyze [per-ee-lize] - verb - greatness; awesomess; straight up the best: After hearing Steve Perry's "Oh Sherrie," an energized Johnny decided to run down to the gym and perry'lyze his quads.
Put in Work [poot in wurk] - phrase - basically going to the gym, running track, etc. on a mission to make GAINZ: I'm about to "put in sick work" today. (notice the use of the modifier "sick" in the example sentence)
Scripture [skrip-cher] - noun - any written workout plan, usually jotted down on a piece of scratch paper; considered sacred in the world of GAINZ: Johnny transcribed a total body scripture for his friend's next workout.
Sister-in-Arms [sis-ter in ahrms] - noun - a female training partner: Nellie GAINZ is my sister-in-arms.
STACKZ [staks] - noun - a combination of dietary and/or herbal supplements, the combination of which is designed for some type of GAINZ-making (i.e. fat loss, muscle GAINZ, muscle recovery): Peggy uses a green tee extract/carnitine STACKZ to supplement her workout to stay lean.
Swiss Ball [swis bawl] - noun - an elastic ball used to provide an unstable lifting surface while making GAINZ; great for balance and stabilizer training: Abs are shredded on the swiss ball. (note: swiss ball is also known as balance ball, birth ball, body ball, exercise ball, fit ball, fitness ball, gym ball, physioball, pilates ball, sports ball, stability ball, swedish ball, therapy ball, and yoga ball, among others).
Tri-Force [try fawrs] - noun - a workout targeting the three triceps heads and peripherial muscle tissue: Let's make some tri-force GAINZ in about an hour!
Work Boots [wurk boots] - noun - athletic shoes purchased specifically for the purpose of being the primary shoe to work out in, but can also refer casually to any shoes that GAINZ are currently made in: Footlocker was having a sale so me and some friends got some new work boots.

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Tip Suggestion and Bench Monkey Submission Box

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Johnny on the Spot: Vol III

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