cafeGAINZ: Johnny and His Next GAINZ-Goal

Tip Suggestion and Bench Monkey Submission Box

1. Every week we will feature one reader-suggested fitness tip. We will either display the tip as suggested, display it with a thoughtful critique, or supplement the tip with more GAINZ depending on our analysis of the tip's GAINZ. Don't be afraid to enter a tip suggestion; it will only add to everybody's enlightenment to the way of the GAINZ and you will remain anonymous. The deadline to submit a tip for the week is Sunday at midnight. Please submit tips to cafegainz@gmail.com.

2. We will also feature one story per week from a reader describing a bench monkey encounter. Blurry, paparazzi-style photos are encouraged with submission, but don't get caught...he may be in the middle of a 'roid cycle. Deadline to submit bench monkey stories to cafegainz@gmail.com is also Sunday at midnight. Thanks!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Johnny and His Next GAINZ-Goal

First off, let me say this: My mind is blown from the "I'm Perry’lyzed" 3 part series. Well done Wesay. It is about time Perry got the credit he deserved in the workout world.

Where is Johnny? That is a question many of you have probably asked yourself in between Johnny on the Spots. Well, Johnny has been spending most of his time contemplating his next GAINZ-goal.

For those of you unfamiliar with the GAINZ-goal, I will explain (although it's pretty self-explanatory). A GAINZ-goal is a fitness goal one wishes to achieve. It can be any number of things. For instance, it can be slimming down to the dress size you have always wanted to wear, or attaining a ripped weight you have always wanted to weigh, or a max you have always wanted to be able to lift. GAINZ-goals can go even further than this. You might want to be the starting point guard for your basketball team or you might want to climb Mt. Everest. All of these are valid GAINZ-goals.

Which leads us to Johnny's GAINZ-goal: I’m going to step into the cage during summer of 2010 for a mixed martial arts fight. I know, I know, you are probably thinking, what in the world would lead Johnny to this GAINZ-goal? Well, Johnny has always been a fan of MMA and boxing.

I started training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu about 5 months ago and became completely addicted to it. Let me tell you, jiu-jitsu is pure GAINZ! Besides the obvious physical GAINZ, there is just as much mental GAINZ that can be obtained from practicing martial arts. And during my BJJ training I was contemplating my next GAINZ-goal because I hadn’t had a legitimate one in a while. So I thought to myself, what could be more GAINZ than an amateur MMA fight?

The dedication and discipline it takes to cut the weight and train for a fight is almost unparalleled. You know Johnny’s mantra, "Train Hard, Eat Right, make GAINZ!" As simple as it sounds, that’s what first came to mind when I was thinking about my GAINZ-goal, and that is what I am going to be doing for the next 5 months of my life. I'm going to be training in wrestling, multiple martial arts, and boxing in preparation for the fight, while also watching my diet and cutting the necessary weight. I am excited for the New Year and achieving the next GAINZ-goal of my life. You should be too.

Train Hard, Eat Right, make GAINZ!!

-Johnny GAINZ

1 comment:

Wesay GAINZJanuary 12, 2010 at 12:40 PM
Johnny, please don't get hurt. Remember, sometimes it's better to tap. but, GET AFTER IT!
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GAINZ Lexicon

ANTI-GAINZ [an-tahy gaines] - noun - antonym of GAINZ (see below); negativity: Eating all those twinkies was some serious Anti-GAINZ. (Note: Anti-GAINZ is often abbreviated to 'A-Gz').
Armageddon [ahr-muh-ged-n] - noun - an intense arm workout that requires both biceps and triceps activation: Today's the end of the world, I'm on armageddon.....PSYCHE!!!
Back to Basics [bak tu bey-siks] - noun, phrase - a workout targeting a specific muscle group or groups, consisting of basic muscle-building movements: My "back to basics" leg workout consisted of squats, deadlifts, leg-press, lunges, and hack-squat.
Back to the Future [bak tu thuh fyoo-cher] - noun - a workout targeting the latisimus dorsi (i.e. back, lats) and peripherial muscle tissue: Your back is looking a little feeble, you should make some "back to the future" GAINZ.
Barbell [bahr-bel] - noun - a fourty-five lb. bar used for making GAINZ: Using only the barbell can limit your GAINZ. (Note: Barbell is often abbreviated to 'BB').
Bench Monkey [bench muhng-kee] - noun - a person that pretty much sticks to BB bench press.....and thats about it; the most common species of bench monkey are monday bench monkeys as they tend to congregate around all the bench presses in the gym on Monday, typically right after work; they work at a snail's pace and often start a convo by asking '...yeah...uh what is your max...you know, for bench?': Bench monkeys are annoying. Don't be a bench monkey.
Brother-in-Arms [bruth-er in ahrms] - noun - a male training partner: Jack went to the gym today with Terry, his brother-in-arms.
Delta Force [del-tuh fawrs] - noun - a workout targeting the deltoids (i.e. shoulders) and peripherial muscle tissue: I put in a sick delta force session earlier.
Dumbbell [duhm-bel] - noun - an apparatus comprising a short handle with a weight at each end used for making GAINZ: You just gotta love dumbbell alternating chest press! (Note: Dumbbell is often abbreviated to 'DB').
Fugazi [foo-ga-zee] - a mark - a guy that tries to make GAINZ strictly for the opposite sex: We saw this fugazi at the gym today doing biceps.....AGAIN....that's 5 times in the last week! (note: fugazi is also known as a poser or a fake).
GAINZ [gaines] - noun - a way of life; muscle mass; production; anything positive, really: I made GAINZ today.
Hate [heyt] - noun, verb - any ill will, however slight: Joey hated on my GAINZ by cooking white rice for dinner when he knew I worked out at 8:00 am. Stop the Hate!
Jay Cutler - [jey kuht-ler] - proper noun - the three (3) time Mr. Olympia (2006, 2007, and 2009); Wesay and Johnny GAINZ's idol; a man of pure GAINZ: Jay Cutler is simply The Man.
Juice [joos] - noun, verb - steroids or any other testosterone enhacing chemical (derogatory); can refer to supplements in general (non-derogatory): I saw this bench monkey juicing in the locker room....what a puke! I juiced [protein shake] after squats.
Keep the Pump - [keep thuh puhmp] - noun, verb, phrase - a workout, or portion of a workout, designed to either 1) supply blood into previously fatigued muscles or 2) a light workout for muscle maintenance: I'm on pecs today, but I'm gonna "keep the pump" triceps.
Legageddon [leg-uh-ged-n] - noun - a great and crucial conflict; the final battle between good (GAINZ) and evil (ANTI-GAINZ); basically the hardest, most excruciating, nauseating leg workout one can do: I ate 3 breakfasts, stretched for 30 mins, warmed up for 30 mins, and prayed all in anticipation for today's legageddon.
LMM [el em em] - noun - acronym for lean muscle mass; nice GAINZ: I wanted to make more GAINZ so I went back to school to get my LMM degree.
Melt [melt] - noun, verb, adjective - to become liquefied by heat or pressure; a trainwreck of the utmost degree; cracking under pressure: Today has been a total meltdown. John didn't give his all in the gym today...he friggin melted. My favourite sandwich is a [insert name]melt.
Perry'lyze [per-ee-lize] - verb - greatness; awesomess; straight up the best: After hearing Steve Perry's "Oh Sherrie," an energized Johnny decided to run down to the gym and perry'lyze his quads.
Put in Work [poot in wurk] - phrase - basically going to the gym, running track, etc. on a mission to make GAINZ: I'm about to "put in sick work" today. (notice the use of the modifier "sick" in the example sentence)
Scripture [skrip-cher] - noun - any written workout plan, usually jotted down on a piece of scratch paper; considered sacred in the world of GAINZ: Johnny transcribed a total body scripture for his friend's next workout.
Sister-in-Arms [sis-ter in ahrms] - noun - a female training partner: Nellie GAINZ is my sister-in-arms.
STACKZ [staks] - noun - a combination of dietary and/or herbal supplements, the combination of which is designed for some type of GAINZ-making (i.e. fat loss, muscle GAINZ, muscle recovery): Peggy uses a green tee extract/carnitine STACKZ to supplement her workout to stay lean.
Swiss Ball [swis bawl] - noun - an elastic ball used to provide an unstable lifting surface while making GAINZ; great for balance and stabilizer training: Abs are shredded on the swiss ball. (note: swiss ball is also known as balance ball, birth ball, body ball, exercise ball, fit ball, fitness ball, gym ball, physioball, pilates ball, sports ball, stability ball, swedish ball, therapy ball, and yoga ball, among others).
Tri-Force [try fawrs] - noun - a workout targeting the three triceps heads and peripherial muscle tissue: Let's make some tri-force GAINZ in about an hour!
Work Boots [wurk boots] - noun - athletic shoes purchased specifically for the purpose of being the primary shoe to work out in, but can also refer casually to any shoes that GAINZ are currently made in: Footlocker was having a sale so me and some friends got some new work boots.

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Johnny and His Next GAINZ-Goal

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