cafeGAINZ: A Woman's Take on GAINZ

Tip Suggestion and Bench Monkey Submission Box

1. Every week we will feature one reader-suggested fitness tip. We will either display the tip as suggested, display it with a thoughtful critique, or supplement the tip with more GAINZ depending on our analysis of the tip's GAINZ. Don't be afraid to enter a tip suggestion; it will only add to everybody's enlightenment to the way of the GAINZ and you will remain anonymous. The deadline to submit a tip for the week is Sunday at midnight. Please submit tips to cafegainz@gmail.com.

2. We will also feature one story per week from a reader describing a bench monkey encounter. Blurry, paparazzi-style photos are encouraged with submission, but don't get caught...he may be in the middle of a 'roid cycle. Deadline to submit bench monkey stories to cafegainz@gmail.com is also Sunday at midnight. Thanks!

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Woman's Take on GAINZ

I first heard about GAINZ a few years ago at school when some guys said the word “GAINZ” every time they spoke, literally. I didn’t know what it meant, but I eventually assumed that it was some sort of meathead club exclusive to bench monkeys and guys with over-inflated egos. I wasn’t impressed with these guys’ “GAINZ.” Why would any woman be interested in a testosterone-infused size contest? What does GAINZ even mean and why are these guys so obsessed with going to the gym and watching what they eat? I found it extremely annoying and superficial.

Of course, I'm not immune to wanting to look good and feel great. Health is important, fitness is important, but GAINZ? I'm trying to lose a couple pounds not pack it on!

Being the independent and sometimes sassy female that I am, I challenged these "GAINZ-makers" to admit that their little club was only about heavy-lifting and ego-tripping fodder. Boy was I wrong. Not only did they make a logical argument for their GAINZ mantra, they convinced me of the sincerity of their philosophy by teaching me that GAINZ was not just about packing on muscle in the gym. Rather, GAINZ is a metaphor for striving to live the best life you can - starting with focusing on your health.

And it makes sense! If you aren't coming with your best (aka making GAINZ), you are acting against your best interests (aka ANTI-GAINZ). There really is no in-between. Staying stagnant is not an option. Life continues with or without you, and if you don't act, Life will pass you by. By labeling your actions as GAINZ or ANTI-GAINZ you can decide whether what you are doing will bring you closer to your best, or take you even further away from where you really want to be. It's genius!

Needless to say, I became a convert. Of course, I'm not letting the guys off the hook completely...they may have their moments of brilliance, but I will never fully understand their occasional pissing contests. But I suppose I have to let that go, after all they are men! Still, women can appreciate GAINZ just as much as the male gender. I am all for treating myself well and staying healthy so that I can enjoy life to its fullest.

Ladies, its time to take control of our destiny. It's time to make GAINZ!

Happy Thanksgiving week!

-Nellie GAINZ

7 comments:

Wesay GAINZNovember 23, 2009 at 8:29 PM
i knew we'd convert Nellie GAINZ...it was just a matter of time...nobody's immune to the GAINZ!
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johnny gainzNovember 23, 2009 at 9:48 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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Wesay GAINZNovember 24, 2009 at 11:05 AM
This comment has been removed by the author.
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ACNovember 24, 2009 at 2:16 PM
nellie gainz' chicken and dumplings was gainz
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Wesay GAINZNovember 24, 2009 at 2:50 PM
hey now, that was Wesay's chicken and dumplings!
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Momma GAINZDecember 2, 2009 at 6:59 AM
i'd like to try some of that Wesay's chic & dumplin's!
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Wesay GAINZDecember 2, 2009 at 4:34 PM
sure, for Christmas...oh wait, you wont be here for Christmas!! Looks like you'll have to wait for next Thanksgiving!
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GAINZ Lexicon

ANTI-GAINZ [an-tahy gaines] - noun - antonym of GAINZ (see below); negativity: Eating all those twinkies was some serious Anti-GAINZ. (Note: Anti-GAINZ is often abbreviated to 'A-Gz').
Armageddon [ahr-muh-ged-n] - noun - an intense arm workout that requires both biceps and triceps activation: Today's the end of the world, I'm on armageddon.....PSYCHE!!!
Back to Basics [bak tu bey-siks] - noun, phrase - a workout targeting a specific muscle group or groups, consisting of basic muscle-building movements: My "back to basics" leg workout consisted of squats, deadlifts, leg-press, lunges, and hack-squat.
Back to the Future [bak tu thuh fyoo-cher] - noun - a workout targeting the latisimus dorsi (i.e. back, lats) and peripherial muscle tissue: Your back is looking a little feeble, you should make some "back to the future" GAINZ.
Barbell [bahr-bel] - noun - a fourty-five lb. bar used for making GAINZ: Using only the barbell can limit your GAINZ. (Note: Barbell is often abbreviated to 'BB').
Bench Monkey [bench muhng-kee] - noun - a person that pretty much sticks to BB bench press.....and thats about it; the most common species of bench monkey are monday bench monkeys as they tend to congregate around all the bench presses in the gym on Monday, typically right after work; they work at a snail's pace and often start a convo by asking '...yeah...uh what is your max...you know, for bench?': Bench monkeys are annoying. Don't be a bench monkey.
Brother-in-Arms [bruth-er in ahrms] - noun - a male training partner: Jack went to the gym today with Terry, his brother-in-arms.
Delta Force [del-tuh fawrs] - noun - a workout targeting the deltoids (i.e. shoulders) and peripherial muscle tissue: I put in a sick delta force session earlier.
Dumbbell [duhm-bel] - noun - an apparatus comprising a short handle with a weight at each end used for making GAINZ: You just gotta love dumbbell alternating chest press! (Note: Dumbbell is often abbreviated to 'DB').
Fugazi [foo-ga-zee] - a mark - a guy that tries to make GAINZ strictly for the opposite sex: We saw this fugazi at the gym today doing biceps.....AGAIN....that's 5 times in the last week! (note: fugazi is also known as a poser or a fake).
GAINZ [gaines] - noun - a way of life; muscle mass; production; anything positive, really: I made GAINZ today.
Hate [heyt] - noun, verb - any ill will, however slight: Joey hated on my GAINZ by cooking white rice for dinner when he knew I worked out at 8:00 am. Stop the Hate!
Jay Cutler - [jey kuht-ler] - proper noun - the three (3) time Mr. Olympia (2006, 2007, and 2009); Wesay and Johnny GAINZ's idol; a man of pure GAINZ: Jay Cutler is simply The Man.
Juice [joos] - noun, verb - steroids or any other testosterone enhacing chemical (derogatory); can refer to supplements in general (non-derogatory): I saw this bench monkey juicing in the locker room....what a puke! I juiced [protein shake] after squats.
Keep the Pump - [keep thuh puhmp] - noun, verb, phrase - a workout, or portion of a workout, designed to either 1) supply blood into previously fatigued muscles or 2) a light workout for muscle maintenance: I'm on pecs today, but I'm gonna "keep the pump" triceps.
Legageddon [leg-uh-ged-n] - noun - a great and crucial conflict; the final battle between good (GAINZ) and evil (ANTI-GAINZ); basically the hardest, most excruciating, nauseating leg workout one can do: I ate 3 breakfasts, stretched for 30 mins, warmed up for 30 mins, and prayed all in anticipation for today's legageddon.
LMM [el em em] - noun - acronym for lean muscle mass; nice GAINZ: I wanted to make more GAINZ so I went back to school to get my LMM degree.
Melt [melt] - noun, verb, adjective - to become liquefied by heat or pressure; a trainwreck of the utmost degree; cracking under pressure: Today has been a total meltdown. John didn't give his all in the gym today...he friggin melted. My favourite sandwich is a [insert name]melt.
Perry'lyze [per-ee-lize] - verb - greatness; awesomess; straight up the best: After hearing Steve Perry's "Oh Sherrie," an energized Johnny decided to run down to the gym and perry'lyze his quads.
Put in Work [poot in wurk] - phrase - basically going to the gym, running track, etc. on a mission to make GAINZ: I'm about to "put in sick work" today. (notice the use of the modifier "sick" in the example sentence)
Scripture [skrip-cher] - noun - any written workout plan, usually jotted down on a piece of scratch paper; considered sacred in the world of GAINZ: Johnny transcribed a total body scripture for his friend's next workout.
Sister-in-Arms [sis-ter in ahrms] - noun - a female training partner: Nellie GAINZ is my sister-in-arms.
STACKZ [staks] - noun - a combination of dietary and/or herbal supplements, the combination of which is designed for some type of GAINZ-making (i.e. fat loss, muscle GAINZ, muscle recovery): Peggy uses a green tee extract/carnitine STACKZ to supplement her workout to stay lean.
Swiss Ball [swis bawl] - noun - an elastic ball used to provide an unstable lifting surface while making GAINZ; great for balance and stabilizer training: Abs are shredded on the swiss ball. (note: swiss ball is also known as balance ball, birth ball, body ball, exercise ball, fit ball, fitness ball, gym ball, physioball, pilates ball, sports ball, stability ball, swedish ball, therapy ball, and yoga ball, among others).
Tri-Force [try fawrs] - noun - a workout targeting the three triceps heads and peripherial muscle tissue: Let's make some tri-force GAINZ in about an hour!
Work Boots [wurk boots] - noun - athletic shoes purchased specifically for the purpose of being the primary shoe to work out in, but can also refer casually to any shoes that GAINZ are currently made in: Footlocker was having a sale so me and some friends got some new work boots.

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Tip Suggestion and Bench Monkey Submission Box

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Woman's Take on GAINZ

7 comments:

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