E = MC²

First, a logistics issue: I gotta come clean, GAINZ MAKER is not my real name. It is a part of my name though. It is a title. My real name is Wesay GAINZ, therefore, the formal name is Wesay GAINZ, the GAINZ-MAKER, Head Barista and Master Curator of cafeGAINZ. From here on out I'll normally go by just Wesay GAINZ or GAINZ MAKER, or some variation thereof (e.g. W. GAINZ, GAINZ MAKER; W.G., G.M.; W.G.; dub G; dub GAINZ; etc.; basically anything with a W or dub in combination with G or M). Some of you bright ones probably noticed that me and cafeGAINZ's own Johnny GAINZ share the same last name...is this a coicidence? I really dont know, but we're gonna do some research to find out. The exact nature of our relatedness, if any, as well as any relation to other notable GAINZ-people, learned during the course of the research will be discussed in a future post. Look for it.

Second, an answer to a question: "What is the best way to judge ones overall GAINZ... strength and conditioning? I'm trying to set up a competition amongst friends and want to know what is the most fair way to judge who has made the most GAINZ."

Fair question I guess. I actually get this one often. The answer may be surprising, however.

The short answer is, and I mean this with all due respect, "who cares?" As Mystery from the show The Pick-up Artist so aptly said, "Do I even think like that?!" The true meaning of GAINZ really has nothing to do with who is the strongest and who is the best conditioned. GAINZ is a way of life and a competiton within yourself, not a competition between individuals. If external competition is what you're looking for, join a weight-lifting or track team...you'll get all the machismo and ballsweat you want. Don't get me wrong, competition is a great way to make GAINZ and live the GAINZ lifestyle, but proving quote-un-quote superiority should never be the main objective in your journey. It is almost fugazi-ish.

But the question is fair and well-intentioned so let me give you my best answer. Natural ability and size obviously play a factor in this competition so they must be accounted for in determining one's true GAINZ (competition sense GAINZ, of course). That means there needs to be more than just one exercise/move. We need to include strength and conditioning, but also agility, flexibility, and mental toughness into the equation. So this competition can't consist of a mere bench-off. Here's what I propose...

A GAINZ-decathlon covering each of the attributes listed above. Scoring will be on a rotisserie ("roto") basis, much like that of fantasy sports. For those of you unfamiliar with roto scoring, accumulation of points begins with several scoring categories (in our case exercises) with the maximum number of points for each category equal to the number of participants. For instance, if BB bench press was one of the exercises included in this GAINZ-decathlon and there were 5 competitors, the person who does the most reps would earn 5 points, second place 4 points, etc., and last place would get only one point. The scores for all the categories are then added up and whoever has the most points is deemed to have the most GAINZ.

Here is my proposed schedule of events. Day 1 is the "strength" day and all exercises must be completed in 1.5 hours (to factor in physical and mental toughness). Number of perfect reps is the measuring stick, rather than one's "max," because that's what is normally used in such competitions (e.g. strong man competition, NFL combine, NBA pre-draft camp).

DAY 1

- No. of squats completed @ 205 lbs.

- No. of DB bench presses completed @ 80 lbs.

- No. of deadlifts completed @ 185 lbs.

- No. of cleans completed @ 135 lbs.

- No. of pull-ups completed

- No of push-ups completed

Day 2 is the "conditioning" day and all exercises must be completed in an hour.

DAY 2

- Vertical leap (no run up or step allowed)

- Shuttle-run (you know, like in middle school)

- 40 yard dash

- Balance on a swiss ball with your knees, timed (hands not allowed to contact the ball)

- Mile

Bonus category

- Touch your toes with straight legs and hold for 10 seconds (if you can, you get 5 bonus points)

So there it is....a GAINZ-decathlon. You can even do it once a month and see who is continually making the most GAINZ. Have at it boys and let us know how it turns out.